I hate...

I hate when you think things are going good and turns out they aren't. I thought my first day in apparel went great but obviously not. I tried my best. I was trying to take in everything. I didn't want to blow through anything because I didn't want to do anything wrong. I even asked questions and I never do that. It's so infuriating that someone would say something about my work ethic. They know nothing about me. NOTHING. I've literally been around this group of people for less than 12 hours and they think they know everything about me. They said my work ethic was bad and I didn't do anything but stand around and that I won't last long. That's a fucking load.

I want to cry. I've had shit thoughts all day. Thoughts of cutting and watching as the blood runs down my thighs. The slight sting of the cut. Damn, I want to fucking cry.
I hate that the receptors in my nervous system don't properly intake the serotonin that is released. I hate it so much. I think that I'm great one minute and then out of nowhere it hits me and I'm full of rage. I'm full of this anger and sadness that can't be avoided no matter how much I try to bury it deeper inside me. I try and try and it hurts.

Those people, the ones they have "known" me for less than an hour, they did not help this shit day I'm having. They do not help the anger, and rage, and the serotonin levels in my veins. They do not help anything and I wish, just for once, I could shake it off. That I could just not give a fuck and everything would be okay, but I can't and it's not. It's not okay that they said those things. It isn't okay that I don't get the proper serotonin levels. It's not okay that I feel this anger.

And I hate it.



06/04/18
Originally written in the midst of a breakdown at work.

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